[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.