“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin