Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
normalize having existential bread
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]