Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I can’t wait!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie