My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?