ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The French cow says MEUX…
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.