Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*