The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My circle of trust is a meatball
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they