In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!