fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.