a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t