MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
so i’m at the stock market right
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.