[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
OMG 🤣🤣
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall