People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.