Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.