Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.