Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.