I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Guantanamo Bae
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time