When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?