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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My dad teaching me to drive
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.