I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”