HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Meanwhile in Canada…
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.