Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Smile Twitter, Smile.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that