You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care