My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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My last name is Zilla.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil