Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.