Schrödinger’s Dumpster
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My kitchen overserved me.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.