My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
You Might Also Like
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore