A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.