ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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adam and eve had first world problems
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand