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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”