I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?