*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam