“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”