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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd