Good morning, Twitter x
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.