Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
How to woo a woman
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.