interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Pickled cat.