Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Living the best life.. 😊
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.