Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.