I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
You Might Also Like
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.