Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You Might Also Like
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I have two kinds of followers
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…