yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?