[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
How I’d get arrested…
Perfection.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside