My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
This was the best day of my life
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.