This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
😅😅😅
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
kitchen magnet
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.