Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.