I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild