[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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💁🏻♂️
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Bring back the McRib
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o