Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.